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may you help me please? I'm a 16 years old Persian poet and I'm learning japanese, now I'm trying to write a japanese poem in a Persian type of poem, my japanese level is intermediate and i don't really know if the poem that i wrote is good or not. May you tell me if this type of poem sounds beautiful for Japanese people or not? And is it good to keep writing poems in this type or it sounds weird and not good? Can you also tell me if the vocabulary and sentence forms that i used in this poem sound natural and they are good to use in a poem or they just look like a simple japanese text? I need your honest opinion

This is a part of my poem (it's my first poem in japanese) that is about : we people, are going wrong way, we forgot about goodness and we're lost in our sins 👇

人らが忙しい(せわしい)、罪を犯すの

善良の意味、度忘れするよ

気づかぬうちに、見失なくなり

闇に迷って、嘆いてばかり

嘆きをやめて、光を探そう

帰り道はもう、遥かにあるよう

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  • The somewhat casual language you're using (の、よ、etc) makes it feel slightly more like some sort of song lyrics than poetry proper (which in Japanese tends to have a sort of more orthodox feel to it). Not necessarily an issue (in fact it could be a strength which makes it more interesting) but just so you know. Oct 7 '20 at 19:40
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May you tell me if this type of poem sounds beautiful for Japanese people or not? And is it good to keep writing poems in this type or it sounds weird and not good?

Those questions are opinion-based, that we're not likely to have a definitive answer here.

Can you also tell me if the vocabulary and sentence forms that i used in this poem sound natural and they are good to use in a poem or they just look like a simple japanese text?

I think this is an answerable question. First, modern Japanese poetry mostly uses the vernacular language, that there's not much words only for poems. Your composition is made up by 7-mora phrase, and this strongly invokes the feel of verse rather than prose. (A great portion of modern poems is free verse, but it's another matter.)

Your wording is also natural as a whole, but there are a few places grammatically weird:

  • 人らが忙しい、罪を犯すの

    The first and second sentences(?) don't connect well. If they share the same subject (人ら), it should be 忙しく.

  • 見失なくなり

    見失う is a verb, so it should be 見失い or something. なる is only needed for adjectives which can't express the change.

  • 遥かにあるよう

    遥かにある does not make much sense here. Unless it means "far more exist", 遥かに cannot modify ある "exist" in the usual sense, because it has a connotation "so distant that the existence is obscure".

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  • Thank you very much
    – Asal
    Oct 7 '20 at 7:32

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