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I recently wrote something and has someone check it, and then had someone else look over it to see if it's natural. The text in question was this,

人間は生存を唯一の目的とする獣であり、これらの進化の衝動がなければ、他の目的はありません。
 君が金持ちになりたいのなら、自問してみて欲しい、それはなぜか?君は力が欲しいので、そして君が力を持っているとき、君は快適に生きることができ、君の生存と君の周りの人々の生存を確実にすることができます。
それは冷酷な世界であるが、その冷酷さを認め始める時が来た。
 我々の内なる悪を認めることによってのみ、私たちは動物的で利己的でない追求に向かって前進し始めることができる。

Why is it that the speech styles are allowed to be mixed here?

  • Could you clarify your question? Someone who checked this did not point out the mixture of the styles? This passage has many unnatural wordings, and the mixture of the two styles is just one of the unnatural points. – naruto Oct 5 '20 at 23:47
  • @naruto The 2nd person who checked did not point it out, no. I suspected that it might be because the 'you' form was used so it was like speaking directly to the reader and that's why...but I was not quite sure if the passage itself was natural either. Could you point out what else is unnatural? Thanks for your time :) – gudetama Oct 5 '20 at 23:51
  • Hmm, I can get most of the passage, but what is 動物的で利己的でない追求 in original English? Something like "animal-like yet non-selfish purpose"? – naruto Oct 5 '20 at 23:59
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    @naruto The whole sentence is "Only by acknowledgement of the evil within us can we start to progress towards less animalistic and selfish pursuits." – gudetama Oct 6 '20 at 0:00
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You must not mix the two styles without a clear reason. Native speakers can instantly notice the inconsistency. If the second checker is a native speaker who is good at proofreading, I guess they did not point this out simply because they were too busy mentioning other unnatural points in this passage.

This text is good overall as far as simple grammar goes, but needs improvement regarding word choices. One notable grammatical mistake is 動物的で利己的でない追求, which would mean "animalistic and non-selfish pursuits".

A corrected version written as a serious plain-form essay is:

人間は生存を唯一の目的とする動物であり、そのような進化への衝動を除いて他に目的は存在しない。例えばあなたが金持ちになりたいとして、自問してみて欲しい。それはなぜなのか、と。力が欲しいからである。力があれば快適に生きることができ、自身および周囲の人々の生存を保証することができる。それは冷酷な世界であるが、その冷酷さを認める時が来た。我々の内なる悪を認めることによってのみ、私たちは動物的・利己的でない目的に向かって前進し始めることができる。

A corrected version written as polite, conversational, preach- or lecture-style text is:

人間は生き残ることを唯一の目的とする生き物です。そのような進化への衝動以外に、目的はありません。例えば、君が金持ちになりたいとして、それが何故なのか考えてみてください。力が欲しいからでしょう。力があれば快適に生きることができ、君や周りの人々を確実に生かすことができます。冷酷な世界かもしれませんが、それを認める必要があります。私たちの内面にある悪を認めることによってのみ、私たちは動物的でなく、利己的でもない目的を追求できるのです。

  • Omg wow! Thank you so much T__T!! Would you be willing to correct the other parts perhaps? You can say no since there are around 4 other paragraphs and I'd hate to be a burden...But I'd be happy to provide you with the English transcript if that would help you (since I noticed you are learning English?) Thank you so much again, I would love to return the favor somehow T__T – gudetama Oct 6 '20 at 0:22
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    Sorry, this site is not for bulk proofreading... If you can focus on one specific word usage or grammatical point, I'm willing to help here. – naruto Oct 6 '20 at 0:25
  • No problem at all! Thank you for all your help !! – gudetama Oct 6 '20 at 0:30

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