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その婦人たちは、両親が昼間工場で働いている子供たちの世話をしています。

The 働いている子供たち part sounds like "working kids" so maybe another particle could be put between 働いている and 子供たち? Or a comma?

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    そのままでいいような気が・・・ – Chocolate Mar 11 '18 at 2:37
  • @Chocolate はい、僕は考えすぎているでしょうね – Omae wa mou shindeiru Mar 11 '18 at 2:43
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「その婦人{ふじん}たちは、両親{りょうしん}が昼間工場{ひるまこうじょう}で働{はたら}いている子供{こども}たちの世話{せわ}をしています。」

There is nothing wrong with this sentence. It is grammatical and natural-sounding.

In the relative clause construct 「両親が昼間工場で働いている子供たち」, 「両親が昼間工場で働いている」 modifies 「子供たち」.

The 働いている子供たち part sounds like "working kids" so maybe another particle could be put between 働いている and 子供たち? Or a comma?

No particle can be placed there and a comma would be out of the question as well. I suggest that you review the Japanese relative clause because its structure is completely different from that of the relative clause in European languages.

If you had to rephrase the sentence for a good reason (though I have no idea what that reason could be), you could say:

「その婦人たちは、両親が昼間工場で働いている家庭{かてい}の子供たちの世話をしています。」

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    ~家庭の~ <-- おおお・・うまいなー 👏パチパチ – Chocolate Mar 11 '18 at 2:52
  • Yeah I haven't studied relative clauses (or grammar at all, Japanese grammar is so frightening) in depth yet, just vocab – Omae wa mou shindeiru Mar 11 '18 at 3:01

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